After a long lay-off due to illness, I’m now (kind of) back, and watching the footer.
Today’s references:
“11 Kölner Orte, die man gesehen haben muss” by Bernd Imgrund.
“The Football Tourist’s Guide to the German Ruhrgebiet” by John Alder
“American Scream: The Bill Hicks Story” by Cynthia and True.
Today’s so-called ‘clash’ (if indeed, it can so be called) features 8th vs 20th in the 3.Liga, a nothing-to-play-for fixture that allows both sets of fans to get guiltlessly drunk and demonstrate their diehardness* by turning up to a meaningless but enjoyable event**.
*traditionally measured on the Barnestoneworth Scale™️, a logarithmic scale used to measure sheer footer idiocy.
**see also, “most of my waking life”.
I’ve been here before – literally, I mean (see my blog entries for 24/02/24 & 25/04/24) so I thought I’d go for a wander first.
Interlude – Selfies In The Graveyard
I find myself in the Alter Friedhof – the old cemetery in Kalk, a once-industrial area of Köln on the right bank of the Rhine (stylistic note: yeah, using the spelling ‘Köln and then not using ‘Rhein’ is an inconsistency – I will address this bothersome matter of form in my next post, if I’m spared).
To quote my guidebook, via Google Translate™️,
“A few weathered, toppled, and partially overgrown gravestones have survived the century, but in the shade of tall trees, they await their final decay.”
“They await their final decay” sounds like so much like something that an educated, but lager-headed, German would say in English at 2.00am about (eg) the Post-war International Rules Based Order, or flavoured crisps***, or Manchester United.
I never thought I’d be nostalgic for the slightly mangled poetry produced by the early iterations of the Google Translate app, but now, in this era of ubiquitous near-perfect translation, here we are.
***apart from paprika.
I note that the crucifixion statue in the cemetery appears to bear little pots of red paint for ‘freshening up’ the blood on the hands & feet****. Puts me in mind of Bill Hicks:
“If Jesus comes back, you think he wants to see another fucking cross?”
****If that’s not what they are, can someone drop me a note and explain please? Ta.
Why does it feel wrong to take selfies in a gravevyard? I wonder if younger generations share my aversion to the idea. Probaby not. One wonders how many historically iconic photographs would look if they were selfies? Take for instance, the disgusting Che Guevara “corpse” picture, and re-imagine it with a gurning Bolivian “influencer” front and centre: better – or worse?
Memo to self – book idea. “From Golgotha to Napalm: Influential Images Reimagined As Selfies”.
Fast Forward ⏩
Back to the footer. The best pub near the Sportpark Höhenberg is an eff zeh bar called ‘Viva Colonia’. I can’t see that being tolerated in the UK – imagine turning up at The Three Tuns and it’s full of Leeds crap?
Reference – a bygone era.
The Rothers™️ Player of the Match award, sponsored by Andrex Washlets™️ (and based on the 1st half only) goes to Lex-Tyger Lobinger (Viktoria Köln). Imposing & bearded.
PS If anyone can shed light on the presence of a Carshalton Athletic flag, please get in touch. It’s always here!
