*to be sung to the tune of “Werewolves of London”, by Warren Zevon.
tl;dr
1. For a work’s do, birthday party or something similar, go to Bermondsey Bierkeller.
2. For a relaxed meal and drinks with friends, go to Bierschenke or Katzenjammer.
3. For a German bar experience, go to Germany.
Trapped in the UK by the 90/180 rule and unable to visit Germany, I decided to check out London’s German bars instead. In the UK ‘German Bars’ definitely means ‘German-themed’ bars. Most real German bars are of course not ‘German-themed’- just as most British bars are not plastered with pictures of Beefeaters and the Houses of Parliament. So we are basically talking tribute bars. And German bars in the UK are always tributes to one specific type of bar in Germany – namely, the Bierkeller, or the Brauhaus bar (roughly analogous to the English ’taproom’)
A fairly typical German Brauhaus bar and my personal favourite – the ‘Augustiner im Heumarkt’, in Cologne.
Let’s start with beer. A typical Brauhaus bar is owned by a brewery, and sells only the product of that brewery. The Augustiner bar pictured above, for instance, sells only Augustiner beer, plus wine, spirits, schnapps and, of course, food. The English versions all have extensive beer lists with multiple breweries and beer styles, in the manner of a modern craft beer joint. Nothing wrong with that of course – it’s just different. And of course, the beer is good – with an understandable bias towards Munich. It’s the same beer, after all, so it really should be good. The food on the other hand – not so much. Let’s have a look at what London has to offer.
“Bierschenke”, Earlham Street, Covent Garden.
Beer on tap: Paulaner, Hacker-Pschorr, Auerbräu. Great to see the classic Hacker-Pschorr Keller Bier on tap.
Beer in the bottle: Augustiner, Schneider, Tegernseer, Früh. Cologne crashes the party at the end of the otherwise Bavaria-based list.
Food: like the beer, heavily slanted towards Bavaria. Lots of sausages, schnitzel, etc. Decent.
Decor: Solid Munich.
Conclusion – acceptable in all departments. 7/10.
https://www.bierschenke.co.uk/
“Katzenjammers”, Southwark Street, London Bridge.
Beer on tap: Paulaner, Hacker-Pschorr, Floris, Frühli, Mongozo, Lervig IPA (guest). A slightly more internationalist offering here, but still centred on Munich classics.
Beer in the bottle: Paulaner, ABK, Augustiner, Flensburger, Schlenkerla, Weihenstephaner, Früh, Flensburger, Schneider, Mongozo. Nice to see the brilliant Schlenkerla Rauchbier on this list. Again, very Bavarian based, with the expected interlopers from Cologne, Flensburg and Belgium.
Food – Bavarian Bierkeller food, veg/vegan options, pasta. It was all ok, but you wouldn’t go for the food. But then again, that applies to nearly all the bars on this list.
Decor: Bierkeller.
Conclusion : another solid 7/10. Note: they also do live Bavarian music nights, which possibly elevates it to 7.5/10 or else relegates it to 6.5/10, depending on your viewpoint.
“Bermondsey Bierkeller”, Tooley Street, London Bridge.
Beer on tap: Paulaner, ABK, Hacker Pschorr, Bermondsey (house beer). Same old, same old, with the reliable Paulaner & Hacker Pschorr popping up yet again. Good though.
Beer in bottles: Früh, Augustiner, Flensburger, Mongozo. What is it with Mongozo in all these places? Maybe because its gf, I guess. Still crap though.
Food: massive Bavarian-based menu, with the addition of sharing platters and a burger selection. Average.
Decor: Bierkeller. This is a big place, lots of long Bierkeller-style tables and benches. Also a games room – darts, pool, shuffleboard, table football. Plus Sky Sports on the TVs.
Conclusion: this is the one for a large party or a work night out. Good fun. 8/10.
https://www.bermondseybierkeller.co.uk/
“Munich Cricket Club”, Crutched Friars, Tower Hill.
Note: There are three of these in London, I went to the Tower Hill one.
Beer on tap: Paulaner, Hacker Pschorr, Clubhaus (house beer). Never thought I’d say this, but I’m getting sick of Paulaner & Hacker Pschorr now. These places all have Munich beers, but they all have the exact same ones. No Spaten, no Löwenbräu, no Hofbräu to be seen – via tap or via bottle.
Beer in the bottle: Paulaner, Stiegl, Giesinger, Augustiner. Nice to see Austria getting a look-in at last.
Food: same as all the above. Sausages, schnitzel etc etc etc. Decor: cheesy Bavarian.
Conclusion. This is the worst so far. Just feels like a London pub in German drag. Boring, don’t bother. A lacklustre 4/10.
“The German Gymnasium”, King’s Boulevard, King’s Cross.
A posh cafe downstairs, a bar and a restaurant on the mezzanine.
Beer on tap: Oechsner, Rothaus, ABK. At least this is different. Not often you see Rothaus on tap (good news!). But here we go with ABK yet again (bad news!).
Beer in the bottle: Rothaus, Schlenkerla, Augustiner, Früh, ABK.
Food: all the usual suspects (sausage, schnitzel etc) but with a bit more variety and imagination then the other places on this list. Probably a place you’d come to for the food rather than anything else.
Decor: posh cosmopolitan – with tablecloths. Pretentious European hotel bar. Feels like somewhere the Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond might plausibly visit. Everything about this place screams posh hotel bar. It’s not really ‘German-themed’ in any meaningful way, apart from the name and the menu. Which isn’t a bad thing. But its definitely not a place to go just for a pint.
Conclusion: somewhere to go for a Tinder date with someone moderately rich, but utterly tasteless. It has 4.5/10 written all over it. I liked the sweet potato fries though- so let’s go for a slightly more respectable 5/10.
“German Kraft”, Newington Causeway, Elephant & Castle.
Slightly unfair to include this bar in this review, as it has no pretensions to be a German Bar at all, it is simply a venue for the ‘German Kraft’ brewery. But it came up on the google search – so I’m including it. This bar is one of the many bars and restaurants that form part of the ‘Mercato Metropolitano’, a drink and street food market with lots of independent concessions. The market itself is interesting, and well worth a stroll around. The kind of place where, if it was on your way home from work, you’d pop in every day and try something different every day. The Kraft Brewery stall sells ‘Heinrich Zwickel’, which is really good – although Zwickels, Kellers and all similar iterations (Landbier, Zoigl, etc) are my favourite style of beer. The bar consists of a stall and a couple of long tables to sit at.
Conclusion: unfair to include it in this review, as it isn’t a German bar per se. But I like it – so 8/10 for me. Note: they have various other sites around London, including one in Mayfair with a rooftop terrace (but a slightly less interesting market around it).
