DSC Arminia Bielefeld vs FC Ingolstadt 04 28/10/23

Acknowledgement: today’s diary content is partially taken from conversations with German football expert Erich Altmann.

The town of Bielefeld is famous for generating one of the internet’s earliest conspiracy theories (albeit a satirical one), which first appeared on German Usenet in 1994. In essence it states that Bielefeld does not exist, but is a sinister myth propagated by ‘SIE’ (‘THEY’). For more details on this amusing foible, see here

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bielefeld_conspiracy

Anyway, I’m here and reasonably confident in thinking that both it (and I, given that I think at all) exist.

And – they have a football team. DSC Arminia Bielefeld – their most successful era being in the 1920s – have in modern times become an example of a ‘Fahrstuhlverein’ (elevator team), shuttling uneasily between divisions like a restless rock pigeon on a branch. In fact they currently hold the record for the most promotions to the Bundesliga (jointly with Nürnberg) AND the most relegations from it (outright).

But – they DO have fans. As of today, they occupy 50th position in the German football pyramid (see table, below) but – they boast the 16th largest membership in the country, with fan clubs around the world.

They are also the archetypal ‘one club city’ (with sincere apologies to VFB Fichte Bielefeld, currently playing (I think) in the Bezirksliga Westfalen Staffel 2 (8th tier).

The ‘Arminia’ bit of ‘Arminia Bielefeld’ refers to the Germanic chieftain who defeated the Romans at the Battle of Teutoberg Forest in 9 AD, regarded as one of the greatest defeats Rome ever suffered and brilliantly depicted in the Netflix series ‘Barbarians’. The whole series was good but that battle was the best bit.

If you’re an English football fan, and the name ‘David Busst’ makes you feel slightly queasy (and maybe move your legs into a safer position) then a German equivalent might be what happened to Ewald Lienen, then of Arminia Bielefeld (by all accounts, an interesting character and also a very skillful player – 2 years earlier, he had lifted the UEFA cup with Borussia Mönchengladbach, when they defeated Red Star Belgrade 2-1 on aggregate in the final) . Anyhow, when he was playing for Arminia against Werder Bremen in 1981, this happened.

I haven’t posted the video, or even a colour pic, but its not good. Amazingly, if you watch the video, he runs off the pitch – not well, but he runs. Mainly in order to attack the opposing manager (Otto Rehhagel) who had been inciting his defenders to ‘go in hard’ on Lienen. Which obviously, they did. Ewald Lienen was a left-winger (in both senses) and like all good left-wingers he obviously knew the importance of taking out the generals – not the foot-soldiers. Happily, and quite surprisingly, he was back on the pitch four weeks later. He is now the technical director at (where else?) St Pauli. Here he is, looking merry, and probably the only person in the room not thinking about his leg.

FC Ingolstadt, in contrast, have only had two seasons in the Bundesliga (2015-16 & 2016-17) – though since they have only existed (in their current form) since 2004, that’s actually not a bad ratio. The town of Ingolstadt itself lies in North Bavaria and is noteworthy for a few things. It is the home of the “financial advisor, solicitor & pub area-manager pleasing” motor company Audi – makers of the beautiful but hardly dolphin-friendly Audi R8 (I want the Lambourghini-engined V10 version please)

But among the Beer-Idiot Fraternity (and thankfully, in modern times also – Sorority) the town of Ingolstadt is famous for – the Reinheitsgebot!

The Bavarian Purity law of 1516 is a landmark in the history of beer. Although something of an anachronism now, all fans of German beer love to see this on a bottle:

For me, this is the reason that a four day binge conducted exclusively on German beer leaves a badger with a clear head and a clean mouth (as opposed to a nuclear furnace and a demented budgie’s cage). This is the important bit:

For a fuller, but totally unnecessary, explanation, see here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinheitsgebot

Anyways. Ingolstadt.

Die Schanzer’ is the somewhat militaristic nickname of FC Ingolstadt, meaning ‘trenchmen’. Their theme song, by veteran hard rock band Bonfire, is called ‘Schanzer Herz’. And they seem to have a bit of a hard rock theme , as their pre-match walk-on music is apparently ‘Thunderstruck’ by AC/DC (this is pretty normal for Germany – AC/DC in particular I think I have heard every single weekend).

Unfortunately the spell is broken when you discover that their goal music is ‘Esselied’ by Italian accordion-based folk-pussy band Volxrock. Look forward to visiting Ingolstadt as soon as possible!

Anyhows, back to today, back to the ‘definitely-does-exist-honestly’ town of Bielefeld. Let the kicking of the ball and the quaffing of the ale commence, forthwith !